Happy New Year, dear friends…
2018 was quite a year, right?! I shared the below summary of my 2018 experience with my mailing list on Winter Solstice but I’m also sharing here because… well, these conversations are important.
The etymology of apocalypse:
from Ancient Greek ἀποκάλυψις (apokálupsis, “revelation”), literally meaning “uncovering” – ἀπό (apó, “after”) and καλύπτω (kalúptō, “I cover”).
Apocalypse is the most accurate word to describe my experience of 2018. It’s been a year of personal reckoning as I’ve crossed the threshold of my midlife. Transitioning into your second life is an actual thing for sure – and to think that some people just buy a sports car or get a new haircut when they go through this!
As is typical of my way, for me it’s been an intense and devastating investigation into how I really want and need to live – for real and as though it matters – and to bring through the wholeness and integrity that demands alignment between my inner and outer worlds.
In other words, 2018 has been a process of recognising and claiming the starting point of a life that is actually truly authentically mine rather than trying to live through any other image. The world is saturated with infinite images and apparent ‘choices’ as to who we become but my own discovery has been that the one true image already within us can only be revealed through the emergent soul.
And this is supported by the very pragmatic daily process of becoming faithful and steady to our inherent rhythms and the exactness of how we are put together as a human being.
By committing to this process, my own uncovering has emerged though as a deep cracking and falling away of many of those other images that I’ve adopted and been conditioned by as a way of life that doesn’t actually belong to me.
It’s taken me into deep, dark and quite often scary territory where I’ve met and had to work diligently with my struggles around addiction, obsession, my difficulty rooting and creating a safe home-space, my father’s death and the legacy of our painful relationship, allowing and forgiving the ancestral weight of my family line, the unpacking of my white privilege and conditioning, self-created redundancy followed by severe economic meltdown, and the opening of eyes to the bottom line of pain and suffering on this beautiful planet earth and our contemporary condition (including our lack) of humanity – both in the world and therefore also within myself and with my own body.
It’s not surprising that this took me into states of chronic insomnia and anxiety too – this process has literally kept me awake in the night for most of 2018. It’s been a truly on-point merger between living reality and metaphor.
Meeting Brokenness With Wholeness
My personal apocalypse of 2018 taught me intimately what it means to find stability in chaos, to embrace and centre wholeness whilst falling down the fault lines of fracture and trauma, and how to dig deeper than I knew was possible for faith and trust whilst experiencing an environmental field that is on-fire and breaking apart.
I’ve also learned the importance of joy, play and laughter as a well-spring of resilience and self-care in an inner-life and outer-world landscape of extreme gravity, grief and responsibility. I can honestly say I never understood how vital these qualities are until last year.
2018 has been unquestionably brutal and liberating. I’ve had to learn to be OK with feeling completely sh*t day after day after day – yet at the same time, my life force and creativity have never been so open and free.
I’m learning that despair, collapse and over-buoyancy aren’t helpful – to me or the world.
I’m learning to breathe in pain and exhale compassion.
I share this not to self-centre or complain, and I’m super-clear I don’t need pity or sympathy either. I share this because, well, essentially it’s my job to do so, and this year has explicitly, intimately and directly shown me that apocalypse is an inside job.
I share this to offer support because I know I’m not alone in going through this. It’s on the cards that a lot more people will experience this personal and collective apocalypse over the next few years. Those studying life-patterns herald the significant changes coming in 2020 and the decade following this will be paramount for our life time and life’s work. How we choose and what we create as the future is synonymous to how willing we are to do the work of Right Now.
The Opening Of Eyes
Obviously, not everyone is going through this, it’s true. If you’re reading this yet haven’t or aren’t, then perhaps you’re a point of stability for those who are. So thank you for that.
Or maybe you’re just not being honest enough with yourself yet. Because there’s that too.
For many that are experiencing this though, this inner-outer apocalypse is an inescapable and profoundly necessary process if we are sincerely committing to show up here as our soul’s true image to do our real work, however that looks according to what lives within us.
For some of us, apocalypse arrives as very tangible bodily conditions of disease or illness; or being altered by death and grief through the physical departure of loved ones; or the loss and significant restructuring of work, home, lovers and partners, children, and family dynamics.
It also comes through waking up to the reality that the way we are living on this planet as a species is destructive, self-centered, unbalanced, over-consuming and unsustainable. Power, resource, priority, privilege, platform and freedom are overtly white-centred, and within this basic grouping are still very much cis-male white-centred.
My personal apocalypse arrived continuously throughout the year as pretty much most of the above.
These are just a handful of some of the potential outer-conditions and breakdown-catalysts but being apocalypsed is an extremely intimate, internal process of being deconstructed in our identity and our sense of place and belonging in the world, including what the world and the collective field have drip-feed us to believe about ourselves in ways that are severely OFF.
It requires us to burn down to ash regarding what isn’t real and true so we can plug into the Motherboard, being Source-led and Source-informed in the discovery of what it means to live in right-relation. Not just within the eco-sphere of being human but as the recovery of our true place within the interconnected web of Life, which also includes Other-Than-Human, Planetary and Universal Life.
It’s helpful to be reminded that the purpose of apocalypse is LIBERATION.
Liberation begins as a process of the Opening of Eyes as we are stripped back into our honesty, humility, innocence, passion, helplessness, power and vulnerability by coming face to face with the places where we struggle to relax into the core of our being and our rightful place in the world.
It’s the vital alignment with our own soul during our very brief time here on planet earth.
Support Is Available – no one needs to do this alone
What I want to say is this: if you are experiencing this kind of deconstructing process right now, understand that it’s totally on-point, that you can trust it and that it’s essentially getting you clear and free to BE YOU and roll out your proper soul work here – both of which will be deeply satisfying for you.
I want to remind you that your creativity is needed – your love and care are needed – your grounding, anchoring stable presence is needed – your voice and supportive action are needed – the originality of you is needed.
But this means getting clear and properly plugged in the right-way-round – and this is what the apocalyptic process brings.
From this place of centering soul as the alignment of right-relation, we can choose something different together – for ourselves and for those that will come behind us – through engaging the inner qualities and outer actions necessary to birth Source-led, humanity-inspired vision, presence and pragmatic tending into form.
What I also want to say is that if you need support with any of this – I’m here. It’s what I do.
No one can carry the weight of this particular dismantling, altering grief and responsibility for you – but neither are we supposed to be alone in it either. Connection has a powerful part to play in this process and it’s often through this that we receive the reflection and recognition of how to plug in correctly for our particular unique being.
I have literally decades of experience that contribute to my rather unusual threshold-tending expertise in the process of breaking down-breaking through. I’m very literally made to support this process of these times, and I can offer some very simple although sometimes heretical keys to those who need them.
So I’m here, showing up with you as we move into 2019 and whatever this holds for each of us.
I offer 1-1 mentoring sessions (in person & online) and soul-centered holistic bodywork (in Glasgow & Edinburgh, Scotland) for those who would benefit from support and who are creating intentional space for their work and process. I’ll also be offering events throughout the year as a co-creative exploration and actionable support on getting real and rooted during these unstable, troubled times.
My current wish for all of us is that we are nourished by the joy born from our hard-won freedoms of 2018 in this coming year. I really mean this. Last year taught me so powerfully how vital joy really is, in the face of all else that goes on, and quite often despite it. There’s no doubt that Joy is an inside job.
I also wish for us that we discover more ways to share in that joy with one another, and through this deepen and strengthen our connective root system and collective well-being.
It’s dark outside here in the Northern hemisphere but the night-birds are singing furiously and relentlessly… and this seems to sum things up quite well.
P.S. Let me know in the comments below how 2018 has been for you and whether you recognise this apocalyptic process in your own life…
Welcome, I’m Annu!
I write about embodying the roots of Truth & becoming trustworthy vessels for the living Mystery in the hearth of our everyday life.
Find out more about me & this work HERE!
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MY SOUNDS OF 2018
To mark my journey through 2018, I’ve put together two Spotify playlists that you might enjoy!
You can sample below or join me on Spotify to listen in full.
In addition, I’ve mixed the 2018 ApoKalyptic Nights playlist so you can stream for your uninterrupted listening pleasure on Mixcloud.
It’s a late night transmission on the nature of apocalypse.
DIRECTIONS: to be taken aurally with headphones in the dark.